Author Topic: Clean Jokes  (Read 75620 times)

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Fester

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Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #30 on: September 30, 2010, 01:08:21 AM »
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You won't hear from me for a while. I'm being investigated for stealing swimming pool inflatables, so I need to LILO for a while.   :D

Paddy runs into the Pub and shouts Mick, someone has just stolen your car. Mick says "did you see who it was", Paddy replies "No, but I managed to get the registration number".   ::) 

   _))* _))* _))*   Beauties !!
Fester...
- Semper in Excretum, Sole Profundum Variat -

Quiggs

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Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #31 on: September 30, 2010, 04:20:05 PM »
My wife is impossible, she's always complaining that I'm pushing her around and talking behind her back. What the heck does she expect being in a wheelchair.   :D


Spent some time at the wife's grave today,She's not dead,  she thinks I'm digging a pond.   WWW
« Last Edit: September 30, 2010, 04:38:17 PM by Quiggs »
Dictum Meum Pactum

Yorkie

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Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #32 on: September 30, 2010, 06:41:17 PM »
Q. Why have Welsh farmers begun to wear kilts?

A. Welsh sheep now recognise the sound of a zip.   _))*

Yorkie

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Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #33 on: September 30, 2010, 06:52:20 PM »
There are three blondes washed up on an island. Suddenly a fairy appears and offers to grant each one of them one wish.
The first blonde asks to be intelligent. Instantly, she is turned into a brown haired woman and she swims off the island.
The next one asks to be even more intelligent than the previous one, so instantly she is turned into a ravishing redhead. The redhead builds a boat and sails off the island.
The third blonde asks to become even more intelligent than the previous two.
The fairy turns her into a man, and he walks across the bridge.   _))*

Yorkie

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Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #34 on: September 30, 2010, 06:53:54 PM »
Five Irishmen in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border. The gorgeous blonde Italian customs agent stops and tells them, 'It's illegal to put five people in a Quattro.' 'What do you mean it's illegal?' asks the driver. 'Quattro means four' replied the blonde. 'Quattro is just the name of the car,' the Irishman retorted in disbelief. 'Look at the papers, this car is designed to carry five persons.' 'You can't pull that one on me,' replies the Italian customs agent: 'Quattro means four. You have five people in your car and are therefore breaking the law'. The driver replies angrily: 'Brainless idiot! Call your supervisor over - I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!' 'Sorry, 'she said sweetly: 'he can't come right now. He's busy with two guys in a Fiat Uno.'    _))* L0L _))* L0L

Fester

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Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #35 on: October 01, 2010, 02:08:06 PM »
We are very keen to keep up with technology in our house,  so after I bought myself an iPod,   I got my daughter an iPhone,   following that I bought my other daughter an iPad, ....  I felt sorry for the wife, so I bought her an iRon.

Thats when the trouble started ...  some people are so ungrateful.

Fester...
- Semper in Excretum, Sole Profundum Variat -

Quiggs

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Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #36 on: October 01, 2010, 03:00:52 PM »
A man was arrested in Scotland for throwing a bottle of Domestos over the Pope during his visit there.

 The man was arrested for a Bleach of the Priest.   D)
Dictum Meum Pactum



Ian

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Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #37 on: October 01, 2010, 03:10:29 PM »
We obviously need another joke category - one for the awful ones...  &well&
“Nothing is so firmly believed as that which we least know.”   ― Michel de Montaigne

Si hoc legere scis, nimis eruditionis habes.

Quiggs

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Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #38 on: October 01, 2010, 03:24:56 PM »
Try this one !
Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning you need two hearts and a diamond,

By the end you wish that you had a Club and a Spade.   :twoface:
Dictum Meum Pactum

Ian

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Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #39 on: October 01, 2010, 03:32:22 PM »
They're getting worse...  _))* _))* _))*
“Nothing is so firmly believed as that which we least know.”   ― Michel de Montaigne

Si hoc legere scis, nimis eruditionis habes.

Paddy

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Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #40 on: October 01, 2010, 05:47:04 PM »
A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?"

The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can"t carry this lot."

The old lady suggested, "Why don"t you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"

"Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says "Let"s take my short cut and go down this alley We'll be there in no time."

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?"

The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"

The old lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."

Fester

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Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #41 on: October 01, 2010, 06:59:03 PM »
I have just heard that gangs of marauding terrorists and youths have been rampaging through the streets of Bradford for the last 2 days  ...  murdering any English people that they encounter.

The Police say the death toll could rise to be as high as THREE





 

Fester...
- Semper in Excretum, Sole Profundum Variat -

Yorkie

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Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #42 on: October 02, 2010, 11:14:46 AM »
The local Police Staion has been robbed of all its Sit down loos.  A Police Spokesman says that so far they have nothing to go on!    _))*

There is a big hole in the middle of Mostyn Street.  Two men from the Council are looking into it!   L0L

Merddin Emrys

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Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #43 on: October 03, 2010, 10:44:33 PM »
B & Q has had a break in,  40 tins of red paint and 40 tins of blue paint were taken. Police said not to approach the thief as he could turn violet  _))*
A pigeon is for life not just Christmas

Merddin Emrys

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Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #44 on: October 03, 2010, 10:47:27 PM »
A lorry delivering red and blue paint to B & Q has crashed on an island near the store and the Police report that the driver has been marooned   _))*
A pigeon is for life not just Christmas