Author Topic: Clean Jokes  (Read 74371 times)

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Ian

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Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #450 on: December 02, 2016, 04:33:10 PM »
Old, but still good.
“Nothing is so firmly believed as that which we least know.”   ― Michel de Montaigne

Si hoc legere scis, nimis eruditionis habes.

PhilMick

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Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #451 on: December 02, 2016, 05:03:57 PM »
BBC News - Suicide Bombers Go On Strike

Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Wednesday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with so called Islamic State have so far failed to produce an agreement.

The unrest began last Tuesday when so called Islamic State announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death would be cut by 25% this February from 72 to 54. A spokesman said increases in recent years in the number of suicide bombings has resulted in a shortage of virgins in the afterlife.


What do female suicide bombers get?

Hugo

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Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #452 on: April 10, 2017, 06:10:51 PM »
The Italian Funeral Dog

A Jewish man was leaving a convenience store with his espresso when he noticed a
most unusual Italian funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the
first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary Italian man walking a dog on
a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single
file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the Italian man
walking the dog and said:

"I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but
I've never seen an Italian funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

"My wife's."

''What happened to her?"

"She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"

The Italian man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when
the dog turned on her."

A very poignant and touching moment of Jewish and Italian brotherhood and
silence passed between the two men.

The Jewish man then asked quietly, "Can I borrow the dog?"

The Italian man replied, "Get in line."


snowcap

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Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #453 on: July 15, 2017, 10:25:50 PM »
1) - This is a  picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly, age  6 ) 

2 ) - Oysters' balls  are called pearls. (Jerry, age 6) 

3) - If you are  surrounded by ocean, you are an island. If you don't have ocean  all round you, you are incontinent. (Mike, age 7) 

4) - Sharks are ugly  and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily 
Richardson.  She's not my friend any more. (Kylie, age  6)

5) - A dolphin  breaths through an asshole on the top of its head. (Billy,  age 8)

6) - My uncle goes  out in his boat with 2 other men and a woman   
and  comes back with crabs. (Millie, age 6) 

7) - When ships had  sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the  ocean.  Sometimes when the wind didn't blow the sailors would  whistle to make  the wind come. My brother said they would have been better  off eating  beans. (William, age 7) 

8) - Mermaids live  in the ocean. I like mermaids. They are beautiful and I  like  their shiny tails, but how on earth do mermaids get  pregnant? Like, really?  (Helen, age 6)

9)  - I'm not going to write about the ocean. My baby brother is  always crying,  my Dad keeps yelling at my Mom, and my big sister has just  got pregnant,  so I can't think what to write. (Amy, age 6)

10) - Some fish are  dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give  you  a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I  think they have  to plug themselves in to chargers. (Christopher, age 7) 

11) - When you go  swimming in the ocean, it is very cold, and it makes my  willy  small. (Kevin, age 6) 

12) - Divers have to be  safe when they go under the water. Divers can't go  down  alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky, age 8) 

13) - On vacation my  Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going  very  fast. She says she won't do it again because water fired  right up her  big fat ass. (Julie, age 7) 

14) - The ocean is  made up of water and fish. Why the fish don't drown I  don't  know. (Bobby, age 6) 

15) - My dad was a  sailor on the ocean. He knows all about the ocean. What  he  doesn't know is why he quit being a sailor and married my  mom. (James, age 7) 

If you didn't smile at  one of these, you need to find a better sense of  humor

snowcap

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Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #454 on: July 15, 2017, 10:28:32 PM »
don,t know where the smilies came from

Ian

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Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #455 on: July 16, 2017, 07:45:34 AM »
Oops! I think that's because of the coding used for one of them.
“Nothing is so firmly believed as that which we least know.”   ― Michel de Montaigne

Si hoc legere scis, nimis eruditionis habes.

Hugo

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Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #456 on: August 23, 2017, 04:29:19 PM »
A LAWYER DOES NOT LIE..

A lawyer, who had a wife and 12 children, needed to move because his rental agreement was terminated by the owner who wanted to reoccupy the home. 

But he was having a lot of difficulty finding a new house.     

When he said he had 12 children, no one would rent a home to him because they felt that the children would destroy the place.

He couldn't say he had no children, because he couldn't lie -- we all know lawyers cannot and do not  lie.   

So he sent his wife for a walk to the cemetery with 11 of their kids.

He took the remaining one with him to see rental homes with the real estate agent.           

He loved one of the homes and the price was right -- the agent asked:     

"How many children do you have?     

He answered:  "Twelve."     

The agent asked "Where are the others?"     

The lawyer, with his best courtroom sad look answered "They're in the cemetery with their mother."     

 

MORAL: It's not necessary to lie, one only has to choose the right words..and don't forget, most politicians are unfortunately lawyers.




snowcap

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Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #457 on: August 29, 2017, 10:46:23 PM »
SENIOR TRYING TO SET PASSWORD

 

 
WINDOWS: Please enter your new password.
 
USER: cabbage
 
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.
 
USER: boiled cabbage
 
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.
 
USER: 1 boiled cabbage
 
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces.
 
USER: 50bloodyboiledcabbages
 
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character.
 
USER: 50BLOODYboiledcabbages
 
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively.
 
USER: 50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDon'tGiveMeAccessNow!
 
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.
 
USER: ReallyPissedOff50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDontGiveMeAccessNow
 
WINDOWS: Sorry, that password is already in use
No virus found in this message.

Ian

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Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #458 on: October 14, 2017, 10:50:19 AM »
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“Nothing is so firmly believed as that which we least know.”   ― Michel de Montaigne

Si hoc legere scis, nimis eruditionis habes.

Ian

  • Administrator
Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #459 on: January 17, 2018, 02:26:07 PM »
Did you know that in Sweden the warships now come with barcodes on the side as standard? It's so they can Scandinavian.
“Nothing is so firmly believed as that which we least know.”   ― Michel de Montaigne

Si hoc legere scis, nimis eruditionis habes.

snowcap

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Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #460 on: February 05, 2018, 11:43:37 PM »
At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside And asked, "Do you understand what co-operation is? What a team is?"

"Yes, coach", replied the little boy. "

Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?"

The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

"So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him an asshole. Do you understand all that?"

Again, the little boy nodded in the affirmative.

The coach continued, "And when I take you out of the game so that another boy gets a chance to play, it's not a dumb ass decision or that the coach is a shithead, is it?"

"No, coach."

"Good", said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your grandmother.

 


Bosun

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Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #461 on: February 07, 2018, 11:17:25 AM »
A blonde girl from North Wales was going on a plane trip to New York.  When the stewardess came by and asked for her ticket, she told the blonde, "I'm sorry.  Your ticket isn't for first class. Could you please move to your allocated seat."  The blonde replied,"I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, and I'm going to New York."  The stewardess said,"That's fine miss, but you'll have to go to your seat."  The blonde responded again, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, and I'm going to New York." 

This conversation continued, always with the blonde's same response. 

The stewardess went to the Captain and told him about the blonde. The Captain said that he would deal with it.

The Captain went and whispered something in the blonde's ear and the blonde immeadiately got up and went to her seat in economy. 

The stewardess asked the Captain how he got the stubborn blonde to move.  He said, "I just told her that first class of this aircraft wasn't going to New York."
Being negative only makes a difficult journey more difficult. You may have been given a cactus, but you don't have to sit on it.

Bosun

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Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #462 on: March 03, 2018, 06:47:30 AM »
A Policeman was training 3 blondes, who were to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?”

The first blonde answers “That’s easy, we’ll catch him fast because he only has one eye” The policeman says “Well….. that’s because the picture shows his profile” Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asked her “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?” The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says “Ha! He’d be easy to catch because he only has one ear!”

The policeman angrily responds, “What’s the matter with you two? Of course only one eye and ear are showing because it’s a picture of his profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?”

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?” He adds quickly “….think hard before giving a stupid answer” The Blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says “HMMMM… the suspect is wearing contact lenses.”

The policeman is surprised and speechless, because he really doesn’t know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. “Well, that is a good answer.. wait here for a few minutes while I check his file, and I’ll get back to you on that”

He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect’s file in his computer and comes back with a beaming smile on his face. “ I can’t believe it… you're right, the suspect does in fact wear contacts lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?”

“That’s easy” the blonde replied. “He can’t wear glasses because he only has one eye and one ear..........”


 
Being negative only makes a difficult journey more difficult. You may have been given a cactus, but you don't have to sit on it.

snowcap

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Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #463 on: April 21, 2018, 10:53:31 PM »
 THE RETIRED DOCTOR

 

An old physician, Doctor Gordon Geezer, became very bored in retirement and decided to re-open a medical clinic.

         
He put a sign up outside that said: "Dr. Geezer's clinic. Get your treatment for $500 - if not cured, get back $1,000."
 
Doctor Digger Young, who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000. So he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic.
 
Dr. Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?"
 
Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from  box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth."


Dr. Young: 'Aaagh! -- this is Petrol!"
 
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations!  You've got your taste back. That will be $500."
 
Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.
 
Dr. Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."
 
Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from  box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."
 
Dr. Young: "Oh, no you don't -- that's petrol!"


Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."
 
Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.
 
Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak --- I can hardly see anything!"
 
Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so, "Here's your $1000 back" (giving him a $10 bill).
 
Dr. Young: "But this is only $10!"
 
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your sight back! That will be $500."
 
Moral of story -- Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an "old Geezer"

 

Remember: Don't make old people mad. We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to piss us off.

 

ENJOY YOUR DAY!!!

 

P.S. Written in large print for old Geezers.

 

Hugo

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Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #464 on: April 23, 2018, 02:57:23 PM »
 MR PUTIN TAKES A QUESTION
 
 Vladimir Putin, wanting to get on the good side of voters, goes to visit a university in Moscow to have a chat with the students.

He talks to them about how powerful a nation Russia is and how he wants the best for all the people.

At the end of the talk there is a section for questions. Sasha puts her hand up and says:

"I have two questions.  Why did the Russians take Crimea, and why are we sending troops to the Ukraine ?”

Putin says: "Good questions”.

But just as he is about to answer, the bell goes, and the students go to lunch.

When they come back, they sit back down and there is room for some more questions, another girl, Misha, puts her hand up and says:

"I have four questions”

"My Questions are -

Why did the Russians invade Crimea ?

Why are we sending troops to the Ukraine ?

Why did the lunch bell go 20 minutes early?

And, where is Sasha?"