Clean Jokes

[Yorkie]

The idea is for folk to fill in their own choice of word.   
I would NEVER think of using Paddy having a number of friends from that green and pleasant land.    Z**

I know a Chinese guy called Paddy Fields.

I won't rice to that!   

[Paddy]

The idea is for folk to fill in their own choice of word.   
I would NEVER think of using Paddy having a number of friends from that green and pleasant land.    Z**

Well I've thought of lots of words Yorkie and the best one is definitely Paddy. I'm sure your friends from Ireland wouldn't be offended.

Incidentally, the word your friends would insert is "Kerryman".

[Fester]

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby bragging about their recent tournament victories.

After about an hour, the manager came out of his office, and asked them to disperse.

'But why?,' they asked, as they moved off.

'Because,' he said, 'I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.'

[Pendragon]

Oh dear Oh dear   

[Pendragon]

                The New Zealander, his dog and his sheep!
                 
                 
New Zealander, a sheep and a dog were survivors of a terrible shipwreck.
They found themselves stranded on a desert island and after being there for a while they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun go down.

One particular evening, the sky was red with beautiful soft clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle; a perfect night for romance
As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the New Zealander.
Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.
But the dog got jealous, growling fiercely until the New Zealander took his arm from around the sheep.

After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed by and lo, and behold, there was another shipwreck.
The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the New Zealander had ever seen.
She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her, and they slowly nursed her back to health.
When the young woman was well enough, they introduced her to their evening beach ritual.
It was another beautiful evening: red soft clouds, a warm and gentle breeze; perfect for a night of romance.
Pretty soon the New Zealander started to get 'those feelings' again.
He fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over to the young woman, cautiously, and whispered in her ear

'Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?'.


     

[Hugo]

 From Thomas Cook Holidays - listing some of the guest's complaints during the season.


1. "I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."

2.  "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time - this should be  banned

3. "On my holiday to Goa in India , I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry  I don't like spicy food at all."

4. "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our swimming costumes and towels."

5. A tourist at a top African game lodge over looking a water hole, who spotted a visibly aroused elephant, complained that the sight of this rampant beast ruined his honeymoon by making him feel "inadequate".

6. A woman threatened to call police after claiming that she'd been locked in by staff. When in fact, she had mistaken the "do not disturb" sign on the back of the door as a warning to remain in the room.

7. "The beach was too sandy."

8. "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as yellow but it was white."

9. A guest at a Novotel in Australia complained his soup was too thick and strong. He was inadvertently slurping the gravy at the time.

10. "Topless sunbathing on the beach should be banned. The holiday was ruined as my husband spent all day looking at other women."

11. "We bought' Ray-Ban' sunglasses for five Euros (£3.50) from a street trader, only to find out they were fake."

12. "No-one told us there would be fish in the sea. The children were startled."

13. "There was no egg slicer in the apartment..."

14. "We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish..."

15. "The roads were uneven.."

16. "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England it only took the Americans three hours to get home."

17. "I compared the size of our one-bedroom apartment to our friends' three-bedroom apartment and ours was significantly smaller."

18. "The brochure stated:  'No hairdressers at the accommodation'. We're trainee hairdressers - will we be OK staying here?"

19.  "There are too many Spanish people. The receptionist speaks Spanish. The food is Spanish. Too many foreigners."

20. "We had to queue outside with no air conditioning."

21. "It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."

22. "I was bitten by a mosquito - no-one said they could bite."

23. "My fiancé and I booked a twin-bedded room but we were placed in a double-bedded room. We now hold you responsible for the fact that I find myself pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked." 


(They walk amongst us and they Vote !!! )
 

[Quiggs]

My missus rang me earlier and said  "WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU ?"..... I replied " You know that jewellers, where you admired those Diamond Earings and said that you really liked them ".  " Yes she replied " in a much softer voice. " Well I'm in the Pub opposite getting drunk."  

[Trojan]

 

[Fester]

Tonight my wife was sat at the kitchen table, counting out piles of 1p, 2p and 5p coins..

Suddenly, she started crying, shouting at me and acting unreasonably.

I thought to myself,  that woman is going through the change.

[Trojan]

Did you hear that one at Langtry's Fester? 

[Pendragon]

Man is a woman's best friend.

He will reassure her when she feels insecure and comfort her after a bad day.

He will inspire her to do things she never thought she could do;

to live without fear and forget regret.

He will enable her to express her deepest emotions

and give in to her most intimate desires.

He will make sure she always feels that she's the most beautiful
woman in the room and will enable her to be confident,
sexy, seductive, and invincible.






No wait...... sorry....... I'm thinking of wine.

It’s wine that does all that.

Sorry.

[Pendragon]

Married couple in their 60's are visited by a fairy who grants them both a wish. "I want to travel round the world with my darling husband" says wife. Two tickets for a luxury cruise magically appear in her hand. Husband says: "Sorry but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me." Fairy waves wand and husband becomes 92. Moral of story - men who are ungrateful bastards should remember fairies are female!!

 

[amitT]

 The Microsoft Restaurant
 Patron: Waiter!
 Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I'll be your Support. What seems
             to be the problem?
  Patron: There's a fly in my soup!
  Waiter: Try again, maybe tThe Microsoft Restauranthe fly won't be there this time.
  Patron: No, it's still there.
  Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're using the soup. Try eating it
             with a fork instead.
  Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.
  Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl. What kind of
                bowl are you using?
  Patron: A SOUP bowl!
  Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it's a configuration
              problem. How was the bowl set up?
  Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer. What has that to do with
               the fly in my soup?!
  Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the
               fly in your soup?
  Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!
  Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?
  Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day??
  Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.
  Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?
  Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.
  Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup, and the check. I'm running
               late now.
  [waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the
  check]
  Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check.
  Patron: This is potato soup.
  Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet.
  Patron: Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything.
  [waiter leaves.]
  Patron: Waiter! There's a gnat in my soup!
 
The check:
  Soup of the Day . . . . . . . . . . $5.00
 Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day. . $2.50
 Access to support . . . . . . . . . $1.00

___________________

[Trojan]

 

[Pendragon]

Original sin ...........