Author Topic: Clean Jokes  (Read 215012 times)

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Offline Trojan

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Re: Cycle lane along the Prom
« Reply #75 on: October 19, 2010, 03:45:46 pm »
I was nearly mown down by an idiot going the wrong way in St Georges plaice.

I thought I'd had my chips.

Yorkie

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Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #76 on: October 19, 2010, 04:36:06 pm »
Don't upset him - he's a Big Wheel about Town!     $00$


Offline Trojan

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Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #77 on: October 19, 2010, 05:14:53 pm »
Don't upset him - he's a Big Wheel about Town!     $00$

 $lol$  :cyclist40:

Offline Ian

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Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #78 on: October 20, 2010, 08:35:53 am »
One dark night outside a small town in northern South Dakota a fire started inside the local chemical plant and in a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames.

The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around. When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed over to the fire chief. 'All our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant! They must be saved. I will give $100,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact!

But the roaring flames held the firefighters off. Soon, more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. In the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight.  It was the nearby Norwegian Rural Township volunteer fire company composed mainly of Norwegians well over the age of 65.

To everyone's amazement, that little run-down fire engine roared right past all the newer sleek engines that were parked outside the plant and, without even slowing down, drove straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside, the other firemen watched as the Norwegian old-timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire and fought it back on all sides.

It was a performance and effort never seen before. Within a short time, the Norse old timers had extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas. The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000 and walked over to personally thank each of the brave fire fighters.

The local TV news reporter rushed in to capture the event on video, asking their chief, 'What are you going to do with all that money?'

'Vell,' said Ole Oleson, the 80-year-old fire chief, 'Da first ting ve gonna do is fix da brakes on dat truck!'
Nothing is so firmly believed as that which we least know.  ― Michel de Montaigne

Si hoc legere scis, nimis eruditionis habes.

Offline Scott

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Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #79 on: October 20, 2010, 04:12:03 pm »
I need your advice...................................
I've been offered 8 legs of Venison for £40..................
Do you think that is too deer?

Offline Trojan

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Re: Policing Matters - Craig y Don, West Shore and Great Orme new
« Reply #80 on: October 20, 2010, 07:35:43 pm »
The Police have been using informers in one way, shape or form, ever since Sir Robert Peel formed The Met in 1829.

"I do not condone the request that Alice (whoever she may be)"  I know what you really wanted to say here Yorkie!  :D

Offline Pendragon

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Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #81 on: October 20, 2010, 07:54:48 pm »
A group of girlfriends are on holiday when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.

The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."

So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.

They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain."

They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.

There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."
Only hindsight has 20/20 vision
Angiegram - A romantic notion derived from the more mundane truth.

Truth is, everybody is going to hurt you; you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for." -Bob Marley

Offline Scott

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Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #82 on: October 20, 2010, 08:15:32 pm »
I took the shell off a snail to see if it would make it go faster...but it just made it sluggish !

Offline Trojan

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Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #83 on: October 20, 2010, 08:49:15 pm »
These workmen have just finished putting up bollards to prevent secretaries from parking their cars outside Dublin Docks Customs and Excise Office.  :D

Offline Fester

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Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #84 on: October 20, 2010, 09:35:46 pm »
Oooohh  Trojan,  If thats true thats just hilarious .... delicious.   L0L L0L     $booboo$

Fester...
- Semper in Excretum, Sole Profundum Variat -

Offline Scott

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Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #85 on: October 20, 2010, 10:09:09 pm »
Dear Madam,
Your apllication to join our match-making service has been rejected.
You failed question 14..'what do you like best in a man?'

"A knife!"  was not an acceptable answer.

Offline DaveR

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Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #86 on: October 20, 2010, 10:13:23 pm »
Oooohh  Trojan,  If thats true thats just hilarious .... delicious.   L0L L0L     $booboo$
I wondered if it was true or if maybe one of the bollards was the sort that can be removed. So, I checked and, yes, they were all concreted in and one of them had to be dug out in order to get the van out.  _))*

Offline Dave

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Re: Policing Matters - Craig y Don, West Shore and Great Orme new
« Reply #87 on: October 20, 2010, 10:39:44 pm »
The Police have been using informers in one way, shape or form, ever since Sir Robert Peel formed The Met in 1829.

"I do not condone the request that Alice (whoever she may be)"  I know what you really wanted to say here Yorkie!  :D

Then why not share it ?

Offline Fester

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Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #88 on: October 20, 2010, 10:51:14 pm »
...then thats a total classic .... talk about painting yourself into a corner !!!
Fester...
- Semper in Excretum, Sole Profundum Variat -

Offline Ian

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Re: Policing Matters - Craig y Don, West Shore and Great Orme new
« Reply #89 on: October 21, 2010, 07:59:53 am »
Indeed.  I don't think this forum is the right place for sub text.
« Last Edit: October 21, 2010, 08:12:11 am by Ian »
Nothing is so firmly believed as that which we least know.  ― Michel de Montaigne

Si hoc legere scis, nimis eruditionis habes.