Clean Jokes

[Ian]

 

[Yorkie]

Happy Xmas


Christmas Animation Elefant Studios

[Yorkie]

Admin - please delete above post as it is snot working correctly.
Many thanks.

[Ian]

I will if you wish, Y, but I've just followed the link and it worked perfectly and I thought it pretty funny :-)))

[Yorkie]

It doesn't seem to be working for me, but as I've seen it, you can leave it on if you wish.   

[Ian]

I've linked to the original on YoutTube, so it should work for you now.  It's rather good :-))

[Yorkie]

The more I look at it, the funnier it becomes! 

[Ian]

Nice! 

[Yorkie]

It has been reported that Speed Dating in Wales has got off to a good start!

[systema]

 

[snowcap]

  Rules of Senior Golf               
 
A wonderful set of Rules have been introduced for the “Wrinkles”. These are common sense rules; some based on scientific fact, and are known as “The Rules of Senior Golf”. Careful application can do wonders for your game. Some may see it as cheating but I like to think of them as the perks earned over a lifetime of playing golf. Use these Rules at your discretion, but be forewarned: the youngsters in the fourball may complain! Tough!
 
Rule 1:     A ball sliced or hooked into the rough shall be lifted and placed at the nearest point on the fairway WITHOUT PENALTY. When over 50 you should not be penalised for uncontrollable mechanical failure.
 
Rule 2:     A ball hitting a tree should be deemed not to have hit the tree. This is simply bad luck and luck has no place in a scientific game. The player is entitled to estimate the distance the ball would have travelled if it had not hit the tree and can play the ball from there WITHOUT PENALTY.
 
Rule 3:     There shall be no such thing as a lost ball. The missing ball is on or near the course and will eventually be found and pocketed by someone else making it a stolen ball. The player is not to compound the felony by taking a penalty stroke.
 
Rule 4:     If a putt passes over a hole without dropping it is deemed to have dropped. The law of gravity supersedes the Laws of Golf.
 
Rule 5:     Putts that stop so close to the cup that they can be blown in may be blown in. This does not apply to balls more than three inches (eight cms) from the hole. No one wishes to make a travesty of the game.
 
Rule 6:     There is no penalty for so called “out of bounds” (OOB). If penny pinching golf club owners had bought enough land this would not occur. The golfer deserves an apology, not a penalty.
 
Rule 7:     There is NO PENALTY for a ball going into a water hazard as golf balls should float. That they do not is a technical problem that the manufacturers have yet to overcome. Golfers should not be punished for manufacturer’s shortcomings.
 
Rule 8:     Advertisements proclaim that technology can improve golfers’ handicaps by purchasing new clubs, balls, shoes etc. Since this is financially impossible for most senior golfers, a stroke per hole may be subtracted for using old equipment.
 

 
Gentlemen
 These are not the proper rules of golf
 Honestly!!!

[Ian]

All, please excuse the four letter words in the following story


I would have deleted them, but it would lose its impact without them.


 


A young couple got married and went on their honeymoon.


When they got back, the bride immediately called up her mother.
"Well," said her mother, "so how was the honeymoon?"
"Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..."
Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language -- things I'd never heard before! I mean all these awful four-letter words! You've got to take me home... PLEASE MAMA!"
"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! You need to stay with your husband and work this out. Now, tell me, what could be so awful? WHAT four-letter words?"
"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed, they're just too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE!!"
"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these horrible four-letter words!"
Sobbing, the bride said,"Oh, Mama..., he used words like:   dust, wash, iron, and cook..."
"I'll pick you up in twenty minutes," said the mother.

[Yorkie]

Reminds me of Groom on his wedding night who phoned his Mother.  He told her that his new wife had confessed to him that she was still a virgin and what should he do.

Mother replied, "Well Son, if she's not good enough for any other man, she's no good for you.  I'll come and get you straight away!"

[Pendragon]

   Some of these screen shots are proper funny

[Ian]

OOPs!

A man received the following text from his neighbour:
 
I am so sorry Bob. I’ve been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tampering with your wife, day and night when you’re not around. In fact, more than you. I’m not getting anything at home, but that’s no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won’t happen again.
 
The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.
 
A few moments later, a second text came in:
 
Damn autocorrect. I meant “wifi”, not “wife