Author Topic: Less clean jokes: adults only  (Read 174805 times)

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Offline Pendragon

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Re: The mine rescue in Chile
« Reply #60 on: October 16, 2010, 05:06:08 pm »
Yep,  I've not seen so many minors brought to the surface since they dug up Fred West's Patio.

 _))* _))* _))*
Only hindsight has 20/20 vision
Angiegram - A romantic notion derived from the more mundane truth.

Truth is, everybody is going to hurt you; you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for." -Bob Marley

Offline DaveR

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Re: The mine rescue in Chile
« Reply #61 on: October 16, 2010, 05:19:23 pm »
Yep,  I've not seen so many minors brought to the surface since they dug up Fred West's Patio.

 _))* _))* _))*

Excellent...

Fred West is in his back yard one morning, the next door neighbour comes out and shouts:

"Fred, what the heck are you doing with that spade?"

Fred replies ...

"Getting the kids up for school"


Offline Fester

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Re: The mine rescue in Chile
« Reply #62 on: October 16, 2010, 07:53:57 pm »
I hear Gary Glitter is on his way to Chile ..

He's heard that its the only place in the world that sliding a minor up your shaft gets applause and cheers!


Fester...
- Semper in Excretum, Sole Profundum Variat -

Offline DaveR

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Re: The mine rescue in Chile
« Reply #63 on: October 16, 2010, 08:19:26 pm »
I can see that the last lot of jokes (mine included - 'mine', geddit?) are going to have to be moved to the less clean jokes' section.

 $smack$

Offline Trojan

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Re: Gargoyles
« Reply #64 on: October 17, 2010, 03:07:59 am »
Trago Mills stores in Devon / Cornwall has gargoyles modelled on the local politicians due to a long standing battle with the local council _))* seems like a good idea :D

Reproduction Gargoyles are available in the National Trust shop at Penrhryn Castle, which is a nice day out and not so far to go!        $wales

Thanks for that Yorkie. I've been looking for a place where I can get a little head next time I'm home.  :leer:

Yorkie

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Re: Gargoyles
« Reply #65 on: October 17, 2010, 09:00:10 am »
Reminds me of the Blonde who went into her hairdresser and told her that her boyfriend had terrible dandruff.   Hairdresser told her to give him Head and Shoulders.   Blonde was quiet for about ten minutes and that asked, "How do you give Shoulders?"     _))*  L0L  _))*  L0L

 $uk

Offline Pendragon

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Re: Less clean jokes
« Reply #66 on: October 17, 2010, 04:37:47 pm »
A few funny one liners

The best way to change someones mind, is with a rock !!  :D

Depression is merely anger with no enthusiasm  :-[

Why does my Knight in shining armour always turn out to be a TOSSER in Tin Foil. L0L
Only hindsight has 20/20 vision
Angiegram - A romantic notion derived from the more mundane truth.

Truth is, everybody is going to hurt you; you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for." -Bob Marley

Offline Scott

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Re: Less clean jokes
« Reply #67 on: October 20, 2010, 10:15:08 pm »
I was asked to go & see my ex-girlfriend today. One thing led to another, then we ended up having sex. The police weren't too happy though, I was only supposed to be identifying the body!


Sorry guys they could be worse they land on my phone & some are worth sharing...some are not!

Offline Fester

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Re: Less clean jokes
« Reply #68 on: October 21, 2010, 11:45:08 pm »
I went on yet another major piss-up with Dave R again last night.
...and I found myself in bed with the fattest, ugliest most horrible cow you could ever imagine..

Thats when I realised that I had made it home safe.


Fester...
- Semper in Excretum, Sole Profundum Variat -

Offline Barbiroli

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Re: Less clean jokes
« Reply #69 on: October 22, 2010, 12:39:53 am »
Shame on you Mrs. Fester wo`nt be happy :o :o

Yorkie

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Re: Less clean jokes
« Reply #70 on: October 22, 2010, 08:20:19 am »
I was in this telephone box, getting in touch with my girl-friend, when a Policeman came along and turned us both out!    L0L  L0L

Offline dontheturner

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Re: Less clean jokes
« Reply #71 on: October 22, 2010, 08:38:42 am »
A down and out tramp, knocks at the farmhouse door, and asks the Welsh Farmer, if he needs any work doing, for a nights sleep, in the barn.- He being very kindly, says, ''if you can drive a tractor - sure, and I 'll give you a meal too''.  towards the end of the day, the tramp has completely done the field, as indicated.  The farmer, goes to out the front door, in order to inspect his work, and says 'fine, but you missed a patch there, and points'  the tramp, says, I used to work at Jones farm, next to yours, and that piece, is where I enjoyed my first bit of love, so i couldn't do it.  farmer says, I understand, but you missed another little patch, over yonder -  the tramp says, couldn't do that bit either, as that is where her Mother, stood watching us.  The farmer says, good Lord, man, didn't she say anything?  the tramp says, oh yes, she did, she went ''baa baa''

Offline dontheturner

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Re: Less clean jokes
« Reply #72 on: October 22, 2010, 09:03:52 am »
 
  One cold December day, a French tourist in Scotland decided to find out if the natives were as tight as he had heard.
He stopped at a farm cottage, told the farmer's wife he was freezing to death, and was invited to come in and warm himself at the hearth.
Once inside the house, he complained of being thirsty.
The woman handed him an enormous white crockery mug filled with milk.
After taking a big swig, the impulsive guest exclaimed, "This is sweet and fresh ... you are most generous!"
She replied modestly, "It's nothing. My family wouldn't drink that milk
because we found a dead rat in it."
Sick to his stomach, the Frenchman threw the huge mug on the stone floor, shattering it.
The Scotswoman grabbed her broom, raised it high in the air, brought it down on the visitor's head, and hollered, "Get out, you ungrateful pig!
I take you in my home, I let you share my fire, I give you milk to drink ... and now you repay my kindness by breaking the childrens' potty!"

Offline dontheturner

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Re: Less clean jokes
« Reply #73 on: October 22, 2010, 09:09:12 am »

 The only seat available on the train was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged French woman and the seat was being used by her dog.
The weary traveler asked, "Ma'am, please move your dog. I need that seat." The French woman looked down her nose at the American, sniffed and said, You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little FiFi is using that seat?"
The American walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there?". I'm very tired."
The French woman wrinkled her nose and snorted "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant....Imagine!"
The American didn't say anything else, he leaned over, picked up the dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her honour and chastise the American.
An English man sitting across the aisle spoke up indignantly "You know,sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, Sir, it seems you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window."

French military rifle for sale. MAS 1936 7.5mm bolt-action. WWII Vintage. Serious inquiries only. $800 or best offer. Excellent condition, never been fired, only dropped once.

Offline dontheturner

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Re: Less clean jokes
« Reply #74 on: October 22, 2010, 09:15:56 am »
A very confident man about town walks into a bar and takes a seat
next to a stunner. He gives her a quick glance,
then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The Bar Girl notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No," he replies, "a friend has just given me this state-of-the-art
watch. I was just testing it."

The Bar girl says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's
so special about it?"

the guy explains, " It uses alpha waves to talk to me
telepathically."

The Bar Girl says, "What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties...."

The Girl giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken
because I am wearing panties."

the guy smirks, taps his watch and says, "Bloody thing's an hour
fast."


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