Funny true stories

[Pendragon]

Cringe worthy

This is just too funny not to share. Taken from an article which appeared in the Dublin Times about a bank robbery on March 2, 1999.

Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at disabling the internal security system got underway immediately.

The robbers, who expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash and valuables, were surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes scattered throughout the bank. The robbers cracked the first safe's combination, and inside they found only a bowl of vanilla pudding.

As recorded on the bank's audio tape system, one robber said, "At least we'll have a bit to eat." The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained nothing but vanilla pudding. The process continued until all the safes were opened.

They found not one pound sterling, a diamond, or an ounce of gold. Instead, all the safes contained covered bowls of pudding.

Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with nothing more than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach.

The newspaper headline read:

"IRELAND'S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING."

[Pendragon]

A lesson for xmas reported in News Paper

"The Pregnant Turkey"

ONE YEAR at Thanksgiving, my mom went to my sister's house for the traditional feast. Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to play a trick. She told my sister that she needed something from the store. When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of the oven. She removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen, inserted it into the turkey, and re-stuffed the turkey. She then placed the bird(s) back in the oven.

When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird.

With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed, "Patricia, You've cooked a pregnant bird!"

At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry. It took the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs!

Yep, you got it....

SHE'S BLONDE!

[DaveR]

You'd have thought the robbers would have wondered why vanilla pudding was being stored in a bank vault?    

Seriously though, it's a fake story:
http://www.snopes.com/humor/jokes/sperm.asp

[Pendragon]

You'd have thought the robbers would have wondered why vanilla pudding was being stored in a bank vault?    

Seriously though, it's a fake story:
http://www.snopes.com/humor/jokes/sperm.asp

I prefer the term Urban Myth Dave 

[Bellringer]

I think the one about the Bristol car park attendant on "Oscar" is fake also - if my memory serves me right it was a topic on the old forum.

www.hoax-slayer.com/bristol-zoo-car-park-hoax.shtml

[Pendragon]

I think the one about the Bristol car park attendant on "Oscar" is fake also - if my memory serves me right it was a topic on the old forum.

www.hoax-slayer.com/bristol-zoo-car-park-hoax.shtml

Do you think the one with the queen is fake?

I believed the April fools years ago on the news with the Monkey in London zoo. It mimiked everything you did and had a funny nose. I didn't believe that spaghetti grew on trees however 

[Pendragon]

Peg Leg.

One thing I loved about the Albion was the local characters who came in. This is a story about 2 of them.

John Peg (has a false leg) some of you may be familiar with him, I personally think the world of him. Will Owen ( a popular welsh singing man from town)  has sinced passed away, he was a great guy.  It was summer and the two of them were sat in the bar having a minor argument nothing serious, I could see John Peg becoming more irate with Will Owen. I could see John fiddeling with his false leg as he began shouting at Will.  Next thing John had his false leg in his hand, he took a swing at Will and hit him over the head with it. Will retaliated and smacked John on the nose. I know it sounds terrible but you had to be there it was really funny. A woman asked if I was going to barr them both. My answer was "Not a chance you can't pay for that type of entertainment". Two minutes later they were both friends again.

[Pendragon]

If you think our Council has no idea take a look at these feats of stupidity.

To deter vandals, the local council erected an 8ft-high fence around Bigyn Primary School in Carmarythenshire.  Then 350 people signed a petition claiming that a stunning hilltop view over the Gower Peninsula had been spoiled.  The solution favoured by the council: Spend £50,000 raising the height of the 200-foot hill by 10 feet.

[Fester]

Ha ha ... priceless,  and I expect that John wasn't the only person to be legless in the Albion Angie?

[Pendragon]

Ha ha ... priceless,  and I expect that John wasn't the only person to be legless in the Albion Angie?

Seriously it was really comical, I still laugh with him about it now mate 

[Pendragon]

Kangaroo

When europeans first landed in Australia they were obviously not familiar with the wildlife. One of the settlers saw an animal hopping by and asked an aborigine what it was, the aborigine answered it was a Kangaroo. Thing is Kangaroo translated to aborigine means " I don't know" 

[Pendragon]

Yancie and the Chicken

On my way to work this morning and I met Yancie a lad from Conwy. We were laughing about a time around 5 years ago,
I'd gone on a hen night to blackpool and the Hubby was running the pub for the night, there was a rugby game on England v France. There I was rather the worse for wear when I recieved a phone call from the Hubby saying Yancie had bought a chicken into the pub.  "A chicken" I said  thinking I'd not heard him right with the all the noise "Yes a chicken" he replied, thinking Yancie had been to the chippy for it (we had a no food policy at the time) I said "well as long as he puts the papers in the bin it's not a problem" "Ang I don't think you understand, this chicken is jumping all over the tables!" Hubby replied. There was nothing I could do but tell the Hubby to ask Yancie and the chicken to leave.  When I got home the first thing I did was check the cameras and sure enough there was a picture of Yancie coming into the Albion with a Welsh flag tucked under his arm, poking out from under the scarf was the bloody chicken.  I printed off the photo so Yancie was banged to rights. I also printed off a couple of others, of the chicken jumping round the lounge and on the tables. I had no choice but to bar him for a month.  I had to laugh though its not something you see every day and no harm came to the chicken it was returned to its owner safe and sound.

Yancie said today he never understood why he was barred for a month for just for bringing his Bird in........... 

[Trojan]

 L0L L0L

[suepp]

 L0L
That reminds me of the time my son walked the mile or so home from the pub carrying a  large - and struggling - white cat. He was proud of himself for stopping our cat from running off, -the  trouble was it wasn't our cat! I made him take it back to where he had found it!

[Pendragon]

Yancie pt 2

I'll have to change the name of the lad here (I've not asked his permission) so we'll call him Billy.

Yancie was in the pub one afternoon having a pint when in walked Billy. Now Billy was the type of lad that wouldn't miss out, y'know, the kind of lad who wouldn't let it go. As I served Billy his pint, Yancie caught my eye, he pulled something from his pocket, he hid the label with his hand, licked the top and shivered as if getting a rush. Of course Billy "hawk eye" had noticed this too. "what's that Yance" Billy asked "ah nothing, got it from the doctors, Gives you like a burst of energy" Yance said winking at me and smiling. "let me have some Yance" Billy pestered "come on let me try it" "No, mate sorry" Yancie laughed. Billy kept on. Yancie in the end agreed but said he was holding the container. Billy was excited, he held out his tongue and Yancie rubbed it on. The next thing Billy was jumping round the bar, his eyes watering, flapping his hand in front of his mouth. He grabbed his pint, swallowed his pint then ran from the pub. I asked Yancie what the "rub" was  "fiery Jack"  he laughed. Shame I'm sure Billy was crying  L0L (I was laughing too though I'm ashamed to say..............not)